The Royal We

"We know that we are not showing up where we were supposed to be, but we still expect you to show up to where you are supposed to be."

D. Wilson pens a speech for D. Trump:

"We Are Most Seriously Displeased

We are not going to appear at the Fox News debate, for we are most seriously displeased. Once the royal majesty of the deal-maker is insulted, how can Ailes still expects the deals to happen? Makes no sense.

We have been in a long campaign. Thus far I have said what I think and I think I have thought what I have said, although to be totally honest it has kind of been a stream of consciousness thing. That being the case, why not live stream the consciousness?

Trumptastic displeasure . . .

This is a totally new approach. Never been done in presidential politics before. I have top people on it. Listen up, America. Top people. These top people do exactly what I say, which is how we found out they were top people. Top people who try to boss us are really pretend top people. Total losers.

Have you seen the polls? Totally ahead in the polls. Totally ahead in every poll that isn’t one of those stupid loser polls.

There was a kid named Eddie in eighth grade who used to make fun of us. You know where he is now? He owns a laundromat in Queens. We had our people look him up. His wife looks like a pear. Our research people said they invited them in and offered them some lemonade. They seemed like real happy folks, they said. Top wives should make you think of cantaloupes.

Megyn Kelly! With flashing eyes, floating hair, and weaving round me thrice . . . we don’t have a background that can keep up with that kind of thing. Totally unfair, and completely biased. We even had to look Coleridge up.

And we would say this to all our loyal supporters, except for that one guy I shot on 5th Avenue. We are withdrawing from the Fox News debate, which is not the same thing as withdrawing from the race. Two completely different things. We know that we are not showing up where we were supposed to be, but we still expect you to show up to where you are supposed to be. We need you to turn out next Monday for the caucuses, regardless of any challenges or obstacles in your way. Except for Megyn Kelly. If you see Megyn Kelly there, you can beat it.

We are vacuous, fatuous, and fabulous. We are vain and petulant, and we expect you to keep up with our whims however they may come out. It is not our job to keep up with us. It is your job to keep up with us. If you want an autocrat narcissist for president — excuse us, if you want another autocrat narcissist for president — then you have to watch closely. You have to be vacuous and fatuous also. And if you want to be that way, you must vote that way.

But you can’t be fabulous. That space is reserved. We spent our own money on it.